Grief after losing a loved one - how to get through the most difficult time

Grief after losing a loved one - how to get through the most difficult time

Ania lost her mom three months ago. Pancreatic cancer - from diagnosis to death, only eight weeks passed. Ania says she knew her mom would die. She knew it rationally. But when it happened - when the phone rang at four in the morning and she heard her dad's voice - she felt as if the ground had been pulled from under her feet. "I knew, and I still wasn't ready. Can you ever be ready for something like that?"

No. You can't prepare for the death of a loved one. Even when it's anticipated, even when it's accompanied by a long illness, even when you tell yourself "I'm prepared for this" - the moment of loss is always like a blow. Because preparing rationally is one thing. Feeling the loss in your body, your heart, every nerve - that's something completely different.

What is grief?

Grief is a natural psychological process that follows the loss of someone important. It's not an illness, not a disorder, not something that needs to be "cured." It's the way the psyche processes a loss - gradually, often painfully, at its own pace.

Grief is not limited to death. We can experience grief after a breakup, after losing our health, after a miscarriage, after a move, after the end of an important life stage. Every significant loss triggers the grief process - although this article focuses on grief after the death of a loved one, much of what you'll find here applies to other forms of loss as well.

How does grief unfold?

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross described five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This model is widely known, but it can be misleading - because it suggests a linear progression in which you move smoothly from one stage to the next. That's not how it works.

Grief is chaotic. One day you feel almost normal - you go to work, eat lunch, talk to people. The next day you can't get out of bed, because you saw your mom's favorite tea at the store and the pain returned with full force. Two steps forward, three steps back - and that's normal.

Denial appears especially at the beginning. You reach for the phone to call someone who is no longer alive. You buy their favorite cookies. You wake up in the morning with a second of normalcy before the memory returns like a wave. This isn't madness - it's the psyche that hasn't yet had time to process reality.

Anger can be surprising. Anger at the person who's gone - "How could you leave me?" Anger at the doctors, at God, at fate, at yourself - "I could have done more." Anger at people who say "time heals all wounds" or "they're in a better place now." This anger is natural, and you don't need to feel ashamed of it.

Sadness and despair are the core of grief. Deep, physical pain that can drag on for weeks and months. A sense of emptiness. The question "what for?" - not philosophical, but existential. Lack of motivation, lack of energy, lack of interest in anything. This isn't clinical depression (though it can turn into it) - it's a natural response to losing someone who was part of your world.

Acceptance doesn't mean "coming to terms with it" in the sense of forgetting or becoming indifferent. It means finding a way to live with the loss - incorporating it into your story, not as the only thread, but as one of many.

How long does grief last?

There's no answer to that question. The cultural expectation that after the funeral, after a month, after half a year "you should be feeling better by now" is hurtful and unrealistic. Some people regain their balance after a few months. Others need years. Some say grief never truly ends - it changes, becomes less acute, but never completely disappears.

What should raise concern is not the duration of grief but its course. If after several months the pain hasn't lessened at all, if you're unable to return to any form of normal functioning, if you've started reaching for alcohol or other substances to drown out the suffering - that's a signal you need professional support.

Complicated grief

In approximately 10-15 percent of people, grief takes on a complicated form (prolonged grief disorder). This is a state in which the intense pain after loss doesn't diminish over time, and may even intensify. A person with complicated grief may experience intense longing for the deceased that doesn't subside after months. Difficulty accepting the fact of death - despite knowing the person is no longer alive. Avoidance of everything that reminds them of the deceased - or conversely, obsessively surrounding themselves with their belongings. A feeling that life without the deceased has no meaning. Difficulty planning for the future, because a future without that person seems unbearable.

Complicated grief requires professional help. It's not a matter of "willpower" or "pulling yourself together" - it's a state where the psyche is stuck in the grieving process and needs support to continue it.

How to support someone who is grieving

If someone close to you is experiencing a loss, you may feel helpless. You don't know what to say without causing harm. You're afraid you'll say too much or too little. Here are some guidelines:

Be present. You don't have to say anything profound. Your mere presence - physical, over the phone, through a short message "I'm thinking of you" - has value. Don't avoid the grieving person because you don't know what to say. Avoidance hurts more than awkward words.

Listen. If the person wants to talk about the deceased - listen. Don't change the subject. Don't say "I understand how you feel" (unless you've truly been through a similar loss). Say: "Tell me about him/her." Memories are an important part of grief - they help maintain the bond with the person who has passed.

Avoid empty platitudes. "Time heals all wounds," "They're in a better place," "God wanted it this way," "At least they're not suffering," "You have to be strong for the kids" - these sentences, though spoken with good intentions, are painful. Because they minimize suffering. It's better to say: "I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. But I'm here."

Help concretely. Instead of "Let me know if you need anything" (because a grieving person rarely will), do something specific. Bring a meal. Suggest a walk. Take the kids to the playground. Handle administrative matters. Small, practical gestures have enormous value.

Grief in children

Children experience grief differently than adults - not because they feel less, but because they express their emotions differently. A young child may not understand the concept of death as something permanent - they may ask when grandma is coming back, even though they attended the funeral. An older child may react with anger, withdrawal, regression. A teenager may pretend nothing happened, because they don't want to burden their parents or stand out among their peers.

A grieving child needs truth (appropriate for their age), permission for emotions, stability of daily routine, and closeness to an adult who is coping with their own grief well enough to be supportive. If a child shows long-lasting changes in behavior after a loss - Milena Komorowska, MA and Sandra Malkowska, MA at Sztuka Harmonii specialize in working with children and adolescents in difficult life situations.

Professional support in grief

Seeking help from a psychologist during grief doesn't mean you're coping worse than others. It means you're giving yourself space to process the loss in a safe environment, with someone who understands grief processes and can accompany you through the most difficult moments.

At the Sztuka Harmonii Psychological Center in Gdansk, we offer psychological consultations and individual psychotherapy for people in grief. Magdalena Raba, MA and Adrianna Gronert, MA have experience accompanying people who have lost loved ones - including grief after loss due to cancer.

If you're experiencing a loss and feel you need support - call 732 059 980. Grief is a path you don't have to walk alone.