Divorce and children - how to guide your family through separation

Divorce and children - how to guide your family through separation

Marta and Pawel sat facing each other in a psychologist's office. They had already decided on divorce - it wasn't easy, but both knew their marriage had run its course. They didn't come to save the relationship. They came with one question: "How do we tell the children?" Their daughter is nine, their son is five. And both parents, despite their own pain, wanted to do it in a way that would cause the children as little suffering as possible.

This is the question most parents facing divorce ask themselves. And rightly so - because the way parents guide the family through separation matters enormously. Divorce itself doesn't have to be traumatic for a child. What becomes traumatic is what accompanies the divorce - conflicts between parents, instrumental use of children, sudden changes, lack of a sense of security.

What children really feel during their parents' divorce

Children react to their parents' divorce in very different ways, depending on age, temperament, and how the separation unfolds. But certain reactions occur often enough that they're worth knowing and understanding.

Guilt is one of the most common reactions, especially among preschool and early school-age children. "My parents are splitting up because I was naughty" - this thought appears surprisingly often, even though it seems irrational. Children at this age see themselves as the center of the world - if something bad is happening, it must be their fault. That's why it's so important to clearly and repeatedly tell the child: "This is not your fault. Nothing you did caused our separation."

Fear about the future - "Where will I live?", "Will I still go to the same school?", "Do Mom and Dad still love me?", "Will I have to choose?" Children need concrete answers to these questions. Not generalities, not promises that "everything will be fine" - because from the child's perspective, nothing is fine right now. They need to know what exactly will change and what will stay the same.

Anger - at one parent, at both, at the whole world. Anger is a natural response to loss - and the child is losing the world they knew, the home where the family was together. This anger may be expressed directly - through shouting, rebellious behavior - or indirectly, through withdrawal, problems at school, regression to earlier developmental stages.

Fantasy of parental reconciliation - this accompanies many children for months, even years after the divorce. They may make attempts to "reconcile" their parents, manipulate situations so that the parents have to talk to each other. It's painful for everyone involved, but understandable from the perspective of a child who wants to regain what they've lost.

How to tell a child about divorce

This is one of the most difficult conversations in a parent's life. A few principles that help carry it out in a way that protects the child:

Together, if possible. It's best when both parents talk about the separation together. The message should be consistent - not two versions of events, but one, pre-agreed explanation. This gives the child the sense that despite the separation, the parents can still cooperate.

Language appropriate for the age. A five-year-old doesn't need to know the details - it's enough to say: "Mom and Dad are going to live in separate homes, but we both love you very much and will always be your parents." A nine-year-old can hear more: "We tried to fix our problems, but we've decided we'll be happier apart. This doesn't change how much we love you." A teenager deserves honesty - without placing blame on either parent.

Concrete information. Where will the child live? What will contact with the other parent look like? Will school, friends, or extracurricular activities change? The more specifics, the less anxiety.

Permission for emotions. The child has the right to cry, to shout, to be angry. Don't say "don't cry" or "be brave." Say: "I understand this is hard. You can feel whatever you feel. We're here for you."

What absolutely not to do

Certain parental behaviors can turn divorce from a difficult experience into a trauma. Here are the most important pitfalls:

• Don't speak badly about the other parent in front of the child. Even if you have resentment, grievances, and anger toward your partner - the child should not witness it. Both parents make up half of the child's identity. When you attack one parent, the child feels you're attacking part of them too.
• Don't make the child a messenger. "Tell your dad to pay child support" - that's a burden no child should have to carry. Handle adult matters between yourselves.
• Don't force them to choose sides. "Who do you love more?", "Who would you rather live with?" - these questions put the child in an impossible situation. The child loves both parents and has every right to do so.
• Don't treat the child as a confidant. Telling the child about your emotional problems, about the details of the conflict, about the affair or financial problems - this is a role reversal. It's the child who needs the adult's support, not the other way around.
• Don't buy love. Excessive gifts, relaxing rules, allowing everything - this doesn't compensate the child for the parents' separation. It gives momentary satisfaction but in the long term undermines the sense of security that is based on stable boundaries.

Shared custody - challenges and benefits

More and more couples are choosing shared custody, where the child spends comparable amounts of time with each parent. This form of custody has proven benefits - children in shared custody show fewer emotional problems and better relationships with both parents.

But shared custody requires something difficult from parents: cooperation. Consistent rules, regular communication about the child's matters, flexibility, and willingness to compromise. If the parents can't talk to each other - shared custody can become yet another battleground, and the child its victim.

That's why it's worth considering family mediation or co-parenting consultations - even if you can't function as a couple, as parents you still need to cooperate.

When a child needs professional help

Most children go through their parents' divorce without lasting psychological consequences - provided the parents ensure their sense of security. But there are signals that should prompt parents to seek specialist help:

• Long-lasting changes in behavior - aggression, withdrawal, or isolation from peers lasting many weeks
• Developmental regression - bedwetting in a child who had long outgrown it, return to behaviors typical of a younger age
• School problems - sudden drop in grades, difficulty concentrating, conflicts with peers
• Somatic symptoms - recurring stomach aches, headaches, nausea without medical cause
• Statements about themselves - "it's my fault," "nobody loves me," "I wish I wasn't alive"

At the Sztuka Harmonii Psychological Center in Gdansk, Milena Komorowska, MA and Sandra Malkowska, MA specialize in working with children and adolescents. Psychological support for young people and parenting consultations help families get through the difficult time of separation in a way that protects children's emotional well-being.

How to take care of yourself during divorce

Parents focus so much on the children that they forget about themselves. But your emotional state directly affects your children. The child senses your stress, your sadness, your anger - even if you try to hide it. That's why taking care of your own mental health is not selfishness - it's parental responsibility.

Individual psychotherapy during divorce helps process emotions, cope with the loss of the relationship, and build a new identity - no longer as part of a couple, but as an independent person and still an engaged parent. Aleksandra Ostrowska, MA and Julia Augustyniak, MA at Sztuka Harmonii work with people going through relational crises and help them find stability during difficult times.

If you're facing divorce and looking for support - for yourself or for your children - call 732 059 980. Divorce doesn't have to be a catastrophe. It can be a difficult but controlled transition to a new chapter - if you have the right support.